Yesterday, Ptichka and I returned from a relaxing weekend at her aunt's during which more cheese than is recommended was consumed. Upon entering the house, I detected a low-grade rumble. It's the new furnace. The latest energy-efficient model. A model that I assume my landlord, a former EU resident, brought back to Canada with him, just as he brought back the solar panels that supply the house with hot water. Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to understand how cutting-edge, state-of-the-art this furnace probably is. It makes the rest of this post (which I am writing while wearing earplugs) funnier. The new furnace is replacing the converted beast that was original to the house. The house was built in 1912. The old furnace began life as a wood-buring furnace, was converted to a coal furnace, then oil, and then natural gas. It was so big and so old, that we had a haz-mat unit out here taking the damn thing apart and carrying it through the apartment in pieces. The thing about this old furnace, though, is that it was silent. I never heard it. And this is not due to the boiler room being insulated because it's not. Now, we have a rumbling state-of-the-art Eurotrash furnace that drove me insane before driving me to buy earplugs, ths cost of which are coming off the next rent check. Why? Because I called my landlord and he, being my landlord, didn't want to believe that the problem is as horrible as I made it sound. This is the same man who is reluctant to redo the bathroom even though there is mold mold MOLD all over the ceiling and the stucco (Who the hell stucco's a humid room?) is crumbling off, revealing more mold mold MOLD. This is also a man who is probably one of the gold standards for Toronto landlords. Yes, this city sucks that much. He's coming over on Tuesday to replay a familiar scene: oh, it really is that horrible. Yes, it is! Have I ever been wrong? Like the time I called to tell you that the floor of the boiler room was covered in standing water? Was I wrong? No. Did you concede that I was right? That standing water was all over the boiler room floor and gushing out the bottom of the hot-water heater? YES! When I say something sucks or doesn't work, I mean it. I don't call very often, but when I do, I am at the edge. I am serious. I wanted the landlord to interrupt his Thanksgiving meal, or at least his post-meal nap, to come over here and turn the damn thing off! But it's heating the house? It would be illegal to turn it off now. Well, it's not heating a damn thing in our apartment. The radiators are still ice-cold. What good is a loud, rumbling furnace that turned on in compliance with Ontario regulations when it. isn't. working?

It's at times like these that I want to move.


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