Baby Steps

After finally admitting out loud that I'm sad, Ptichka suggested that I take a vacation. She pointed out that I haven't really had one in years because I've always thought about working when I was away from home. According to her, if the time isn't actually designated as do-what-you-want-and-damn-the-diss time, then it isn't a vacation. And then she warned me about gradually burning out, which I think is what's happening. I'm feeling half-assed about everything: grad school, the diss, my side projects, life in general. So, really, I'm guessing that I'm not so much feeling sad as having a severe bout of existential angst. I feel like I'm coasting and not accumulating anything that I should be accumulating: knowledge, experience, coherent arguments, skill. And I'm feeling like I'm an observer at the moment and that I just can't keep up. I'm feeling alienated from one of my outside-project groups because it's making me wonder if my interests are really that out of the ordinary. I just feel like a mess who can't quite get it together.

Back to the vacation thing. Ptichka had suggested that I take the week that she's in Manitoba off to recoup. Five days, she swears, is nothing. I'll actually work better when I come back, batteries charged. I believe her but I don't think that I can not feel guilty about not working. So...I'm gonna try taking a three-day weekend. Saturday is shot because we're helping our best friends move. Sunday will probably be spent mildly hung-over. And then Monday will be mine. No e-mail. No internet. No diss. Just me and whatever it is that I want to do, which I'm hoping is making a bunch of crap but if I don't want to, I won't. Here's hoping this'll do the trick. For a bit, at least.


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