Garden: 3; K: 1. Or, A Play in One (Long) Act

Setting: Small-ish, messy backyard in not-quite-downtown Toronto. Sunny Sunday, mid-May.

K.: intrepid gardener, DIY-er, and country girl at heart. Dressed in old, non-matching clothing and brand spanking new leather gardening gloves.

Mouchie (a.k.a. Rizzo): fluffy, mostly grumpy cat. Dressed in rapidly-shedding fur coat.

The Garden: roguish, stubborn curmudgeon. Dressed in a very long coat of lawn green, sprinkled with many, many dots of dandelion yellow.

Scene I

(K. enters the backyard carrying her tools before her like weapons. She holds a shovel (borrowed from her neighbor), a small hand trowel, a ball of white yarn, and some sticks. She uses the sticks and white yarn to create a trapezoidal shape in the backyard, heretofore known as THE GARDEN. MOUCHIE gets in the way. She uses the flat-bladed shovel to cut into the sod, but of course that doesn't work. She gets on her hands and knees and, with the trowel, begins to cut the sod along the white-yarn-marked lines. This goes very slowly. She then uses her gloved hands to pull up some of the sod, one small piece at a time. This also goes very slowly, and she is obviously struggling. MOUCHIE gets in the way. THE GARDEN lies silent.)

K. You know, I've always thought that sod would be easy to pull up. I've seen it lying there, in nice, neat rolls, and thought that all you'd have to do is cut the pieces and roll them up like a carpet. But it seems that all this time, I've been wrong. In fact, pulling up sod is very difficult, especially when one is using a small hand trowel, and the grass is infested with thousands upon thousands of dandelions. Foot-long dandelion tap roots certainly get in the way of neat and tidy sod-rolling.

(K. continues her slow, tedious work, pausing only now and then to push MOUCHIE out of her way and drink a glass of water. This continues for two hours.)

Scene II

(K. has by now cleared approximately 25 square feet. There remains at least another 75 square feet to be cleared. THE GARDEN is clearly unhappy, although it has not yet spoken.)

K. That's it! I'll work on this some more tomorrow.

OK, forget the drama. I'll just say that I'm very sore today, and am seriously thinking about getting a real spade. Most people I know aren't planting anything until this weekend, so at least I have a few more days of torture. THE GARDEN gets three points for being such a pain in the rear, and I get one point for surviving two hours of pained sod (read: dandelion) pulling. I had better be winning by the end of the week, or I'll be very angry. -K.


Blogger Odilon said...

You f*ckin' posted! That is so awesome. I'm going to go drink some more while bowling. Yeehaw!

12:06 a.m.  

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